8/31/2006

I'm a mess.

So I've attempted to write this 3 times and erased it. This is my 4th attempt.

I feel like I need to talk about some things so I'm going to use my blog for this. My shrink says its a good idea. She said it may be good to get my thoughts out of my head and not dwell on them.

There are a few people that don't know and I think most do. Now everyone who reads this will.

I have CML. June 26, 2006 was the absolute worst day of my life. I found out my spleen had enlarged 17cm across my abdomen and that I have Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia. I can only sleep by taking pills to make me sleep. I have bad pain in my legs/knees. I take a medication called Gleevec. Gleevec is saving my life. I have to do another bone marrow biopsy in December.

I am mentally, physically & emotionally fucked up right now. I'm working on the mental part with the psychologist. I've decided that I would rather be in pain while going to the gym than being in pain laying on the couch, besides my Dr told me I should. I've gained around 30 lbs since June because of the meds & being inactive and eating. I'm really self conscious about it. I think that when I'm with my wife, I'm doing ok. When I'm alone during the day all I think about is whats wrong with me. I've got a serious case of survivors guilt. When it comes down to it, I'm really scared shitless about everything.

I want to say that I appreciate every friend I have. I used to think that I had one friend and that everyone else was just being nice to me because of Rose. I don't understand why anybody likes me to be honest. I want to say that for my friends, the next time I see any of you it will be with a hug from me because I want you to know that I appreciate the friendship..

5 comments:

Rosanna =) said...

I love you and I am so proud of you!!

For any family that reads this...you can tell other family, except my grandma cuz my mom doesn't want her worrying.

Kathy said...

Well Matt, I'm not being nice to you just coz of Rosey. If you were a schmuck, I'd tell you :) And you're not. You're a really nice guy that deserves all the happiness anyone can get and try not to let this ordeal play too many mind games on you. You are made of some tough stuff.

Swedish Sensation said...

I told a friend of mine that I've known since I was 14 and the guy hasn't said one word to me. I realize he probably doesn't know what to say but at least tell me that instead of ignoring me. I try not to let the mind games get to me but I seem to be fighting them lots.

diana said...

matt, i think about you all the time. even though i'm all the way in TO, i'm here for you.

Swedish Sensation said...

thanks di. you are the sister i always wished i had growing up.