So I've been up since around 3 am. I'm in a little too much pain to sleep. I feel like someone has taken a baseball bat and beat me with it repeatedly. My cancer is just a bully that I can't see...that sucks because I really would like to rip it out of me and stomp on it.
Tuesday night was Rose's Grandma's B-day...yes I broke my diet plan. I made a promise to myself that I would only do that for the family dinners. I admit, going out with the whole family makes me nervous and uncomfortable only because not everyone knows about me. I focus on trying to walk like theres nothing wrong with me so I don't draw any unecessary attention to myself. Well...tonight it happened. One of Rose's Aunt's asked me something about me at work. I got all uncomfortable and told her that I havent been at work but I would phone her to tell her why...with that she gave me a puzzled/are you ok? look. Rose had gone to talk to some of the people at another table...I was looking for her when she asked me because its almost like I didn't know how to respond.
I catch myself, pretty much daily, looking at myself in the mirror wondering if I have it in me to beat cancer. I do my best to hide what I'm feeling when I'm around people because I think they need to see me positive and strong....not in pain and scared. This "Muga" thing with my heart is consuming all my thoughts and I'm pretty anxious about it. I have to give blood on Friday...then my next test is the Muga and then my monthly visit with my Dr. I found out that my next bone marrow biopsy is the day before my cousins wedding in January....I almost feel like I don't want to go to the wedding because there is some family that will be there that I havent seen yet and after a bone marrow biopsy...I can't really walk and I'm in a LOT of pain. I guess I just don't want my Grandmother to see me like that when I know she's worried as it is.
On another note, I had a good time talking with Mike at dinner tonight. I felt pretty old when I was talking about some hockey players that he had never heard of. I guess I'll have to load up the "Rock 'em Sock 'em" videos for Mike to watch once we're moved.
1 comment:
What is it about people who are going through tough times, either a loss or going through an illness, that the ones that have it the hardest always take it upon themselves to stay strong for those around them? I'm aways amazed at that. I think if it were me, I'd be an inconsolable mess, look at what a baby I am about a stupid ingrown toenail?!
It's great that you instinctively want to be positive and strong for everyone, just don't forget that everyone else wants to be strong and positive for you too!
Post a Comment